DYSPEPSIA GENERATION

We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Archive for the 'You can’t make this stuff up.' Category

Woman spends £10,000 on cat so it can miaow again

5th October 2008

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Women are actually an alien species. I’ve always said so.

Well, at least it wasn’t $12 million to a dog. That’s a hostile alien species.

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Muslim ‘Barbie and Ken’ dolls created by Iranian government

26th September 2008

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I would have thought that Ken would have a beard. And we can see entirely too much of Barbie. And wouldn’t they be called Fatima and Mohammed?

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Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe accuses Britain of genocide in UN

26th September 2008

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Boy, those Zimbabweans are sure lucky they’re no longer under the boot of that oppressive white regime.

Thank God for the U.N. and the international community, or who knows what sort of hell they’d be living in now.

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Japanese Girl Sensation: Virtual Boyfriends (Webkare)

21st September 2008

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I refuse to accept any alien species in a science fiction story unless their culture is stranger than that of the Japanese. This rule of thumb has stood me in good stead for over 40 years, and it’s still going strong.

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Swiss restaurant to serve meals cooked with human breast milk

17th September 2008

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We have the technology.

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Smugglers built vodka pipeline

17th September 2008

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We have the technology.

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Have Fewer Kids, Save the Planet?

4th September 2008

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No, this is not an extract from the Stuff White People Like book. Although it would certainly fit in.

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San Marino appoints a diplomat to Wales

30th August 2008

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Couple have 50 cars in 15 years crash into front garden

6th August 2008

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I think God is telling you to move somewhere else. Take the hint. Or put up concrete posts.

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Italian nuns set up inflatable church to save the souls of beach bums

6th August 2008

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Salinas the Californian town fighting gangs by fasting

29th July 2008

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Unfortunately, it would seem that they neglected the “and prayer” part.

It had never been designed to “take the place” of law enforcement but had served to “bring people together and raise consciousness,” he added.

Will all of the attempts to “raise consciousness” since that vile phrase was originated in the 60s, you’d think that there wasn’t any higher it could go.

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War veterans banned from flying flag over fears they may hurt themselves

25th July 2008

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Medical ‘Wikipedia’ Is Looking For a Few Good Doctors

25th July 2008

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Be the first on your block to play one on the Internet.

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Shouting vase muffles outbursts, doubles as flower holder

17th July 2008

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Well, there you have it.

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iShoe promises to detect balance problems before it’s too late

16th July 2008

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Satanist father and Christian mother fight for Sunday morning custody rights

11th July 2008

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A cyclist has died after hitting a Go Slow road sign.

10th July 2008

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Well. There it is.

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Bible publisher faces $60M federal lawsuit over homosexuality

9th July 2008

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Update: A more comprehensive explanation of the issues is here.

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Rock anthems replacing hymns at Australian funerals

2nd July 2008

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Gotta love Australians.

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Prince Sues Musicians For Making A Tribute Album For His Birthday

26th June 2008

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Dutch prepare for Maya apocalypse

25th June 2008

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Good luck to ’em, I say.

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Pigbuds: ’cause your ears are purty too

23rd June 2008

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As George Carlin used to say, if you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it.

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College girls banned from whistling at builders

22nd June 2008

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Flight cancelled after pilot too upset to fly

22nd June 2008

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The Great Seal of Obamaland?

20th June 2008

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Usually you have to be elected before you get this pretentious.

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New York dog sucked into street cleaner

15th June 2008

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Well, that’s New York for you.

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Four better or four worse for marriage of four

7th June 2008

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California. ‘Nuff said.

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Art Made of Fat

3rd June 2008

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Race & Class in Ethical Consumption & Sustainability Movements

3rd June 2008

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The site is Vegans of Color.

So the semester ended for me here at Vassar, and as all the seniors moved out of their on-campus apartments they threw out a lot food. So my friends and I did the reasonable thing for a bunch of broke students who are working on campus during the summer– we grabbed our backpacks and hit the dumpsters.

I am not making this up.

I don’t think it’s a parody site, but….

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Designer of Pringles carton buried in crisp tube

2nd June 2008

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Wonder whether they ground him up and molded him into a body shape first.

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Web 2.0 Buzzword Bingo

31st May 2008

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They actually pay people to come up with this stuff.

(Well, I don’t really know that — it’s entirely possible to have it done by a computer program.)

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Nation of Islam to Police Miami

28th May 2008

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Now, this sounds like a fantastic idea; put one of the most virulent hate groups operating openly in the US in charge of fighting crime in Miami….

The fact that they aren’t real Muslims isn’t that much of a comfort.

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Environmentally Friendly Bombs Planned

27th May 2008

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Rainbow Warrior, here we come….

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Activists want chimpanzee declared a person

21st May 2008

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I would have no problem with that if, in turn, we could declare certain activists to be chimpanzees.

I mean, fair is fair.

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Two mother IVF families enshrined in law

20th May 2008

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  1. Thank God you don’t live in Britain.
  2. Without eternal vigilance, it could happen here. Probably in California.

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Sen. Arlen Specter Demands Investigation of Spying… In The NFL

17th May 2008

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Sometimes, no amount of snark can top the real world.

I have to agree.

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Obama’s Diplomatic Partner: ‘The Hidden Imam Manages All the Affairs of the World’

16th May 2008

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Holistic moms shun commercialism

10th May 2008

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And reality, apparently.

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E-Fuel’s Micro Fueler creates Ethanol from sugar in your backyard

9th May 2008

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“You can make a mainframe / from the things you have at home.” Jeez, I haven’t thought about that song in years.

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Former man and wife remarry as two women

2nd May 2008

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  1. Thank God you don’t live in Britain.
  2. Without eternal vigilance, it could happen here. Probably in Massachusetts or California. Avoid those states.

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Russian Airborne Troops Music Video

27th April 2008

Watch it.

Eat your heart out, Lee Ermey.

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Proposed bill aims to set minimum auto sound levels

10th April 2008

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Perhaps they could adopt the old system of having a guy ride ahead on a horse waving a red flag.

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A Rapist’s View of the World: Joss Whedon and Firefly

2nd April 2008

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I have no evidence that this is an April Fool joke. It’s just the sort of crap such people believe.

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Art Lebedev’s Defendius. Because unlocking doors is just a little too easy

1st April 2008

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Some people just have entirely too much time on their hands.

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The Seven Aphorisms of Summum

1st April 2008

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Wow, that’s really cosmic, man.

You can almos hear the hippies chanting ‘OM’ in the background….

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Mother And Daughter Still Blame MySpace For Not Protecting Her From Sexual Assault

1st April 2008

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Some people don’t deserve to live in a technological society.

The girl’s lawyers claim that MySpace still had a responsibility to protect the girl, even though he doesn’t explain how it can protect a girl who lied about her age and then went off to meet with a much older guy in real life.

I’m sure Shari’a has some appropriate punishment for lawyers like this — cutting their tongue out, say.

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Watch Out for That Pillow

1st April 2008

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Imagine you were a state legislator and some folks asked you to pass a law making it a crime to give advice about paint colors and throw pillows without a license. And imagine they told you that the only people qualified to place large pieces of furniture in a room are those who have gotten a college degree in interior design, completed a two-year apprenticeship, and passed a national licensing exam. And by the way, it is criminally misleading for people who practice interior design to use that term without government permission.

You might stare at them incredulously for a moment, then look down at your calendar and say, “Oh, I get it — April Fool!” Right? Wrong.

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F-15 Pilot Sues Boeing for Damages

24th March 2008

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Hey, we’re Americans. That’s what we do.

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White People in the News – March 20th, 2008

21st March 2008

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This has texture, and scope.

The New York Times is, of course, the Official House Organ of White People.

I’m somewhat disappointed that, among the Things Mentioned, they didn’t include “Looking Down Your Trendier-Than-Thou Yuppie Nose At FlyOver Country”. That really ought to be in there.

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Dallas is considers shutting off red light cams, since they’re working too well and harming revenue

15th March 2008

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You’ve got to wonder at a government that includes violation fines in its budgeting process. You would think this were the Middle Ages.

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