DYSPEPSIA GENERATION

We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Archive for the 'You can’t make this stuff up.' Category

Inside the Obsessive World of Artisanal Cocktail Ice

24th May 2015

Read it.

“If you’re talking premium liquor, you expect premium glass and ice too,” says Andrew Bohrer, a longtime Seattle bartender and co-founder of the Washington State Bartender’s Guild.

I am not making this up.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

PETA Urge ‘Ye Olde Fighting Cocks’ Pub to Change Name – Because It’s Offensive to CHICKENS

21st May 2015

Read it.

Campign group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is demanding the St Albans based establishment in Hertfordshire rename itself ‘Ye Olde Clever Cocks’ to “celebrate chickens as the intelligent, sensitive and social animals they are”.

 

I guess these guys were scared by a Disney movie while in the womb and are working out their issues in real life.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

NJ Fifth-Grader Suspended for Bringing a Foam ‘Bullet’ to School, Says Mom

20th May 2015

Read it.

New Jersey fifth-grader Aarin Moody got a lesson in his school’s zero tolerance policy after being suspended all of last week for bringing a foam Nerf gun bullet to school, according to his mom.

The Atlantic City boy was reaching for a note from his mom when the spongy projectile fell out of his pocket, alarming a faculty member at the Uptown Complex School on May 8, said his mother, Michelle Moody.

Yeah, a nerf bullet certainly ought to ‘alarm’ a faculty member. Where do they find these people?

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

Consumer Reports Locked Out of New Tesla

18th May 2015

Read it.

Consumer Reports never spent more on a car than on the all wheel drive version of the Tesla Model that it bought to review.
But its reviewers soon ran into a unique problem – they couldn’t get in the car.

The $127,000 Tesla Model S has door handles that retract flush into the door when not in use, and which are supposed to pop out when a owner approaches the car with the key fob.

That mad giggling sound you hear is Elon Musk scampering all the way to the bank.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

Activist Group Pushes for Probe of Syrian Regime and Its Military Backers

18th May 2015

Read it.

Oh, yeah, that’s SURE to work. Why didn’t Obama think of that?

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

University Report: A Room Full of White People Is a Microaggression

15th May 2015

Read it.

I wonder whether the people who generate this stuff really take it seriously.

I also wonder how the Onion survives, when reality is it own best parody.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

Where You See Tragedy, Liberals See Opportunity

14th May 2015

Read it.

Today’s major news story is the crash of an Amtrak train in Philadelphia, killing at least seven people and injuring many more, some critically. The crash had barely been reported before liberals on Twitter erupted with denunciations of Republicans. Why? Because the current House budget proposes cuts in federal support for Amtrak. How could that possibly relate to last night’s crash? Don’t expect logic from a liberal. Twitchy documented the dementia here and elsewhere.

Then it came out that the train was traveling around 106 miles per hour, entering a curve in a 50 mile per hour zone. It seems unlikely that the crash had anything to do with “infrastructure,” the liberals’ magic word. So, are liberals cowed at being not just wrong, but ghoulishly wrong? Not a bit of it. It doesn’t matter what the question is, the liberal’s answer is always the same: money. Specifically, government money.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

Parkour Nuts Conquer the Dizzying Heights of Paris

11th May 2015

Read it. And watch the video.

Parkour is what Batman does to relax.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

How Can Our Future Mars Colonies Be Free of Sexism and Racism?

7th May 2015

Read it.

I’m sure you’re losing sleep over that as much as I am. The Guardian is one of the more self-parodic Voices of the Crust (not as bad as MSNBC, but MSNBC are professionals), and I await the inevitable headline ‘Men Land On Mars, Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.’

Luckily the only population on Mars that we know of is a handful of rovers, but no doubt we’ll start a war anyway, before dragging them into some form of slavery or oppression. It’s just what we do.

If by ‘we’ he means the Left, he’s certainly correct. But, to paraphrase Marcellus Wallace, ‘there is no we.’

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

VIDEO: This Is Why It Is NEVER a Good Idea to Try and Strap a GoPro to a GREAT WHITE SHARK

3rd May 2015

Read it. And watch the video, of course.

The thought would never have ocurred to me, but, then, of course, I’m not an ‘international scientist’.

Think of it as evolution in action.

Hey, tenure doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

This Is the First True Sea Salt From Oceans That Don’t Exist

2nd May 2015

Read it.

Perfect for your foodie friends who think that ‘sea salt’ somehow has magical properties that will, in some ineffable way, save the planet.

(Hey, they laughed at the Pet Rock, too, but that guy made a lot of money.)

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | No Comments »

Two Gay Men Apologize, Face Boycotts for Talking to Ted Cruz

27th April 2015

Read it.

This is what we’ve descended to when it comes to cultural engagement: A charity group that raises millions of dollars annually to fight AIDS has canceled a fundraiser because the gay guys who own the club hosted a reception with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas).

The Gaystapo never forgives, and it never forgets.

This looks like a case of cutting off your, uh, whatever, to spite, you know, whatever….

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

The Latest Sign of Bike-Share’s Social Equity Problem

21st April 2015

Read it.

Bike-share has a promising role to play in city transit networks, but its inability to reach low-income users has become an unsettling problem—and it’s a problem that appears to be growing. Take the latest member survey from Capital Bikeshare in Washington, D.C. (spotted by Mobility Lab). Half of the roughly 3,500 survey respondents reported having six-figure incomes:

CityLab is pretty much a Voice of the Crust devoted to SWPL problems, but my first thought is that if they put the bikes where ‘low-income users’ could get them, said low-income users would just steal the damned bikes and sell them to somebody for cash toward buying a car. Bikes tend to be a SWPL affectation in which people on limited incomes can’t afford to indulge.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on The Latest Sign of Bike-Share’s Social Equity Problem

Star Wars as an Icelandic Saga: The Entire Saga (in English) in One Blog Post

18th April 2015

Read it.

You can find anything on the Internet.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Star Wars as an Icelandic Saga: The Entire Saga (in English) in One Blog Post

George Lucas Wants to Build Affordable Housing in Wealthy Suburb

18th April 2015

Read it.

His rich NIMBY neighbors won’t allow him to build a movie studio so he’s going to put poor people there instead. Pass the popcorn.

(Of course, ‘poor’ for Marin County means ‘worth less than a billion dollars’ so it won’t be all that dramatic.)

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on George Lucas Wants to Build Affordable Housing in Wealthy Suburb

Lincoln Chafee Explores Democratic Presidential Bid

10th April 2015

Read it.

Rather like a tongue exploring a gap where a tooth once was.

Would that every RINO had the honesty to come out of the political closet. (Yeah, Lindsay Graham, I’m lookin’ at you.)

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Lincoln Chafee Explores Democratic Presidential Bid

Arrest Made in shooting Outside NYC Casino After Massive Brawl

7th April 2015

Read it.

Police arrested the man who fired shots outside a Queens casino after a chaotic brawl erupted due to long daiquiri lines, police sources said.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Arrest Made in shooting Outside NYC Casino After Massive Brawl

Snowden Now Faces the Traitor’s Fate – Worship From Hipsters and Hollywood

7th April 2015

Read it.

Even the Brits are laughing at our ruling class.

Brooklyn is the hipster heaven of New York, which is perhaps why it was there that a bust of Edward Snowden was unveiled yesterday.  Not that it stayed long.  The bust of the former National Security Agency contractor was put on a pedestal sometime on Monday with the word ‘Snowden’ glued on the base at the Prison Ship Martyrs’ Monument at Fort Greene Park.  It was taken down a few hours later by parks and recreation employees.

I don’t want to read too much into this, but the brief deification and bringing down of Snowden’s image does seem apposite.  When the Snowden leaks were first publicised the left-wing press – in particular the Guardian and the New York Times – hailed him as a free speech hero, as though free and ‘protected’ speech was now generally agreed to include leaking vast quantities of national security secrets to terrorist groups and enemy states before fleeing to Vladimir Putin for sanctuary.  But the ‘Snowden is just so hip’ theme did stay up for a while. Earlier this year Hollywood gave an Oscar to the interminable Citizenfour documentary, which they cannot possibly have done for the film’s artistry or watch-ability.

But for Hollywood the leaking of NSA and GCHQ secrets was still just so hip.  The US film industry may have been less than amused last year when a studio was subjected to a hack and leak – and all that told us was that one studio exec didn’t think so highly of Angelina Jolie.  But it seems that so long as the secrets released damage British and American security, rather than cause any major A-list celeb rift, then it’s all cool.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Snowden Now Faces the Traitor’s Fate – Worship From Hipsters and Hollywood

Happy Edible Book Day

1st April 2015

Read it.

The International Edible Book Festival is an annual event usually held on or around April 1, which is also known as Edible Book Day.The global event has been celebrated since 2000 in various parts of the world, where “edible books” are created, displayed, and small events are held. The creations are photographed and then consumed. Regular contributors to the site are groups from Australia, Brazil, India, Italy, Japan, Luxembourg, Mexico, Morocco, The Netherlands, Russia, and Hong Kong. The event was initiated by Judith A. Hoffberg and Béatrice Coron in 2000.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Happy Edible Book Day

‘World’s Most Dangerous Walkway’ to Reopen Next Week

28th March 2015

Read it.

Spain’s Caminito del Rey looks more like an “Indiana Jones” movie set than a walkway for mere mortals.

Originally constructed in by King Alfonso XIII in 1921, the walkway was built high above the Gualdalhorce River in southern Spain. Though the total path is about five miles, the most famous boardwalk segment comprises almost two miles of rickety looking bridges.

Caminito del Rey translates to “King’s Little Path”—a relatively benign name for this tourist attraction where at least five people died, with the most recent happening in 2000s. The walkway has officially been closed since 2001 but many have attempted the trek with carabiners and professional climbing gear.

Think of it as evolution in action. We need more of these sorts of things to filter out the left side of the gene pool.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on ‘World’s Most Dangerous Walkway’ to Reopen Next Week

Hillary Clinton Wants to Send Citizens to Camps—Fun Camps!

20th March 2015

Read it.

The punchlines write themselves on this one, and that’s exactly what’s happening. Hillary Clinton, soon to announce her candidacy for president, spoke last night before the American Camp Association in New Jersey. In an effort to try to connect with her audience, she said, “We really need to have camps for adults. … None of the serious stuff. None of the life challenge stuff. More fun. I think we have a huge ‘fun deficit’ in America.”

I guess laughing at the Clintons isn’t enough.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Hillary Clinton Wants to Send Citizens to Camps—Fun Camps!

Anti-Capitalist Protesters Occupy Wrong Building

16th March 2015

Read it.

Hippies have invaded the heart of St. James’s, occupying a building on Pall Mall to protest the evils of capitalism. Yet it seems they did not do their homework…

123 Pall Mall, where the invading lefties have hoisted their banners, used to be the home of the Institute of Directors – and they were the clear target of the campaign.

However, the lease on the building was handed back by the IoD last summer, after an expansion at their headquarters down the road. The building is nothing to do with the business cheer leaders any more.

An IOD spokesman tells the Spectator:

‘We vacated this building six months ago, but there’s a chance there are some old Hayek or Adam Smith books left behind. Who knows, perhaps they’ll learn something.’

Smashing the system, one geography lesson at a time.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Anti-Capitalist Protesters Occupy Wrong Building

Microsoft Is Now Selling Its Windows Ninja Cat Sticker

13th March 2015

Read it.

Be the first on your block to suggest that you ought to be subtracted from the gene pool.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Microsoft Is Now Selling Its Windows Ninja Cat Sticker

Pakistan Fines Qatari Royal for Hunting With Falcons Without Permit

12th March 2015

Third World Problem.

The issue of Gulf royals coming to Pakistan to hunt with falcons is becoming increasingly controversial.

Well. There it is.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Pakistan Fines Qatari Royal for Hunting With Falcons Without Permit

The Bush Dynasty’s Central Project Since 1953

5th March 2015

Steve Sailer is on the case.

With Jeb Bush much in the news, it’s worth recalling how central to the Bush Dynasty has been the goal of integrating Mexico into the North American economy ever since 1953 when George H.W. Bush co-founded the Zapata Corporation. (It’s not surprising that George W. Bush named his little oil company Arbusto, or Bush in Spanish.)

I love the smell of conspiracy in the morning.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on The Bush Dynasty’s Central Project Since 1953

Thought for the Day

28th February 2015

Hillary Denier copy

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Thought for the Day

Texas Truck of Terror

24th February 2015

Read it.

Mark Oberholtzer wasn’t following the Syrian militant group Jabhat Ansar al-Din on Twitter. So when they tweeted a picture of a Ford pickup in December with an anti-aircraft gun blazing from the truck bed, he probably missed it.

Until someone mentioned to him that it was his truck. Or rather, it was a truck previously owned by his plumbing company. The jihadists hadn’t bothered to remove the decal from the door for Mark-1 Plumbing, complete with his phone number, before sending out the action shot on social media.

Texas sets the standard for bad-ass.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Texas Truck of Terror

Sanrio to Release a Hello Kitty Toilet Seat

23rd February 2015

Read it.

Because pooping is the first thing anyone thinks of when they hear the words Hello Kitty, Sanrio has decided to release a fairly sophisticated toilet seat in the character’s likeness.

Well. There it is.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Wedding Ends in Brawl After Bride Marries Guest Instead of Groom

20th February 2015

Read it.

A bride in India decided to marry a guest on her big day after the groom had a seizure during the ceremony. The decision sparked a brawl after the husband-to-be regained consciousness and realized his would-be wife was with someone else, The Times of India reported Thursday.

As Kishore extended his arms, he had an epileptic fit and fell to the ground in front of the gathering. The bride, apparently angry that her family was kept in the dark about Kishore’s medical condition, announced that she would marry a guest at the wedding instead, The Times of India reports.

The guest – dressed only in jeans and a leather jacket – was reportedly startled before agreeing to the bride’s request, and the ceremony continued.

I guess India is the new California.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Wedding Ends in Brawl After Bride Marries Guest Instead of Groom

Suit Yourself: Utah Court Lets Woman Sue Herself Over Fatal Wreck

20th February 2015

Read it.

The lawsuit boils down to the definition of ‘of another.’ A Utah appeals court essentially agreed with Bagley’s definition that Bagley the driver is a separate party from Bagley the estate representative. Bagley the driver is represented by her insurance company and the suit, according to one legal expert, is likely an attempt for her to collect on an insurance payout.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Suit Yourself: Utah Court Lets Woman Sue Herself Over Fatal Wreck

Yale Global Warming Protest Cancelled Due to Snow

15th February 2015

Read it.

Feel free to laugh uproariously.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Yale Global Warming Protest Cancelled Due to Snow

Health Centre Looks Like a Spreadeagled NAKED MAN When Viewed on Google Earth

13th February 2015

Read it.

Totally coincidental, I’m sure. (But somewhere there’s an architect laughing his ass off….)

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Health Centre Looks Like a Spreadeagled NAKED MAN When Viewed on Google Earth

Ohio Court Rules Against Ex-teacher With Phobia of Children

12th February 2015

Read it.

The 63-year-old teacher, who had taught Spanish and French at Mariemont High School in Cincinnati since the 1970s, said she was transferred to a middle school in 2009. Her lawsuit said the seventh- and eighth-graders triggered her phobia, causing her blood pressure to soar and forcing her to retire in the middle of the 2010-11 school year. Her lawsuit sought unspecified damages.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

This Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Steams Her Vagina

6th February 2015

Read it.

Really. Just … read it.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on This Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Steams Her Vagina

Iceland to Build First Temple to Norse Gods Since Viking Age

3rd February 2015

Read it.

They’ll need Chris Hemsworth for the opening, of course.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Iceland to Build First Temple to Norse Gods Since Viking Age

C-Fu: The Tofu Made of 100 Percent Mealworm Protein

2nd February 2015

Read it.

Feel free to barf at the thought. I did.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on C-Fu: The Tofu Made of 100 Percent Mealworm Protein

Woman Accepts Cliffside Proposal, Then Falls to Her Death

31st January 2015

Read it.

A vacationing woman accepted her boyfriend’s romantic marriage proposal in a picture-perfect cliffside setting in Ibiza — only to fall off the edge to her death as she jumped up and down for joy.

Let that be a lesson to us all.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Woman Accepts Cliffside Proposal, Then Falls to Her Death

Hipster Churches in Silicon Valley: Evangelicalism’s Unlikely New Home

30th January 2015

Read it.

The Bay Area has never been perceived as religious: a 2012 Gallup poll found that fewer than a quarter of residents identify as “very religious” (defined as going to church weekly), as opposed to 40% of the nation as a whole. High salaries have drawn droves of well-educated millennials to the booming tech sector, which correlates with lower religious sentiment. So far afield from the Bible belt, the region is in fact seen as hospitable to all forms of old testament abominations: fornication, paganism – even sodomy.

If you look around, however, you’ll notice a bumper crop of newer Christian ministries that, upon superficial glance, could pass for any other Bay Area start-up: glossy web design, well-curated social accounts and yes, free coffee promotions. County-level statistics substantiate this: numbers from the Association of Religion Data Archives show that several large Protestant denominations have grown in San Francisco County in recent years.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Hipster Churches in Silicon Valley: Evangelicalism’s Unlikely New Home

The Best Story About the Queen and King Abdullah You Will Read Today

24th January 2015

Read it.

Apparently Abdullah, then Crown Prince, visited Balmoral some time in the 90s and the Queen drove him on a white-knuckle trip around the estate in a Land Rover. Abdullah comes from a country where women aren’t allowed to drive and the Queen has been driving since she was a teenager during World War II.

Now that’s comedy.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Men DO Have the Right to Stand Up and Wee, Rules German Court

22nd January 2015

Read it.

The finding was made when a landlord claimed his tenant had ruined a marble floor by sprinkling it with urine.

The disgruntled landlord tried to retain a €3,000 (£2,300) deposit for the damage allegedly caused by his guest’s acidic spillage.

But Judge Stefan Hank today ruled that men who stand up to relieve themselves cannot be held to account for any collateral damage.

And there was much rejoicing.

 

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Men DO Have the Right to Stand Up and Wee, Rules German Court

Strangest Diplomatic Initiative Ever: You’ve Got a Friend!

17th January 2015

Read it.

The administration has acknowledged that it erred by not participating in a meaningful way in the giant pro-free speech demonstration in Paris, so it has tried to make amends by sending John Kerry to France. Apparently thinking that he needed reinforcements to convey a full sense of the administration’s symbolic support, Kerry brought along…James Taylor.

God only knows what the French made of this. Maybe James Taylor is still popular there, like Jerry Lewis.

As Tom Lehrer said when describing the ‘Folksong Army': ‘They may have won all the battles — but we had all the good songs!’

(Now just think about what kind of President Kerry would have been…. America really dodged a bullet there.)

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Strangest Diplomatic Initiative Ever: You’ve Got a Friend!

High-top Sneakers With Poop Emoji Pattern

15th January 2015

Read it.

As George Carlin used to say, ‘If you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it.’

 

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on High-top Sneakers With Poop Emoji Pattern

British Comedian Runs for Parliament

15th January 2015

Read it.

His platform, while amusing, makes as much sense as the major parties.

 

  • The pound in your pocket: The pound will be revalued at one pound 10p, so it will now be worth 10p more. Common sense.
  • The NHS: If you come to A&E and it’s neither an accident nor an emergency then you will be sent to a random hospital department to be practised on. Common sense.
  • Foreign Policy: Germany has been too quiet for too long. Just saying.

Sort of like if Al Franken would run for the Senate. Oh, wait….

 

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on British Comedian Runs for Parliament

Things Only Food Snobs Have in Their Kitchens

14th January 2015

Read it. Here’s the list:

1. Special salts.

2. Truffle anything.

3. Selection of bitters.

4. Stinky cheeses.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Alabama Principal Seeks Cans of Food to Defend Against Intruders

14th January 2015

Read it.

An eastern Alabama school principal is asking students to bring cans of food such as corn and peas as a way of fighting off a school intruder.

W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscella Holley said in a Friday letter to parents that a can could stun an intruder “or even knock him out” until police arrive.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 3 Comments »

Iceland: Brewery Makes ‘Whale Testicle Beer’

13th January 2015

Read it.

Well, you know, the winter nights are long, and there really isn’t a lot to do….

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Iceland: Brewery Makes ‘Whale Testicle Beer’

eBay Honeymoon Wife Replacement Auction Reaches £1,800

7th January 2015

Read it.

An online auction to join a man on his honeymoon after he split with his fiancée has reached £1,800.

Instead of cancelling his holiday for two to the Dominican Republic, John Whitbread decided to offer the chance to join him to the highest eBay bidder.

After an “overwhelming” response from 65 bidders, he has said he will donate some of the money to charity.

 

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on eBay Honeymoon Wife Replacement Auction Reaches £1,800

Princeton Student: Joking About How I Pronounce ‘Cool Whip’ Is a Microaggression

6th January 2015

Read it.

I’m not making this up, but I can’t guarantee that the writer isn’t.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on Princeton Student: Joking About How I Pronounce ‘Cool Whip’ Is a Microaggression

How to Become a Cat Lady

3rd January 2015

The Other McCain does a fisking.

Lisa Bonos (@lisabonos) has published a column headlined “How to find a feminist boyfriend” that reads like an Onion parody….

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on How to Become a Cat Lady

George P. Bush Sworn In to Texas Post

2nd January 2015

Read it.

George P. Bush was sworn in Friday as Texas land commissioner. The 38-year-old political newcomer sat next to his father in the Texas Senate while formally taking the reins of the state agency that oversees vast oil and mineral rights.

The next generation of Bush volunteers to serve as the butt of ‘progressive’ straw-men for the rest of his life.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | Comments Off on George P. Bush Sworn In to Texas Post