DYSPEPSIA GENERATION

We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Archive for the 'You can’t make this stuff up.' Category

Star Wars as an Icelandic Saga: The Entire Saga (in English) in One Blog Post

18th April 2015

Read it.

You can find anything on the Internet.

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George Lucas Wants to Build Affordable Housing in Wealthy Suburb

18th April 2015

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His rich NIMBY neighbors won’t allow him to build a movie studio so he’s going to put poor people there instead. Pass the popcorn.

(Of course, ‘poor’ for Marin County means ‘worth less than a billion dollars’ so it won’t be all that dramatic.)

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Lincoln Chafee Explores Democratic Presidential Bid

10th April 2015

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Rather like a tongue exploring a gap where a tooth once was.

Would that every RINO had the honesty to come out of the political closet. (Yeah, Lindsay Graham, I’m lookin’ at you.)

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Arrest Made in shooting Outside NYC Casino After Massive Brawl

7th April 2015

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Police arrested the man who fired shots outside a Queens casino after a chaotic brawl erupted due to long daiquiri lines, police sources said.

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Snowden Now Faces the Traitor’s Fate – Worship From Hipsters and Hollywood

7th April 2015

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Even the Brits are laughing at our ruling class.

Brooklyn is the hipster heaven of New York, which is perhaps why it was there that a bust of Edward Snowden was unveiled yesterday.  Not that it stayed long.  The bust of the former National Security Agency contractor was put on a pedestal sometime on Monday with the word ‘Snowden’ glued on the base at the Prison Ship Martyrs’ Monument at Fort Greene Park.  It was taken down a few hours later by parks and recreation employees.

I don’t want to read too much into this, but the brief deification and bringing down of Snowden’s image does seem apposite.  When the Snowden leaks were first publicised the left-wing press – in particular the Guardian and the New York Times – hailed him as a free speech hero, as though free and ‘protected’ speech was now generally agreed to include leaking vast quantities of national security secrets to terrorist groups and enemy states before fleeing to Vladimir Putin for sanctuary.  But the ‘Snowden is just so hip’ theme did stay up for a while. Earlier this year Hollywood gave an Oscar to the interminable Citizenfour documentary, which they cannot possibly have done for the film’s artistry or watch-ability.

But for Hollywood the leaking of NSA and GCHQ secrets was still just so hip.  The US film industry may have been less than amused last year when a studio was subjected to a hack and leak – and all that told us was that one studio exec didn’t think so highly of Angelina Jolie.  But it seems that so long as the secrets released damage British and American security, rather than cause any major A-list celeb rift, then it’s all cool.

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Happy Edible Book Day

1st April 2015

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The International Edible Book Festival is an annual event usually held on or around April 1, which is also known as Edible Book Day.The global event has been celebrated since 2000 in various parts of the world, where “edible books” are created, displayed, and small events are held. The creations are photographed and then consumed. Regular contributors to the site are groups from Australia, Brazil, India, Italy, Japan, Luxembourg, Mexico, Morocco, The Netherlands, Russia, and Hong Kong. The event was initiated by Judith A. Hoffberg and Béatrice Coron in 2000.

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‘World’s Most Dangerous Walkway’ to Reopen Next Week

28th March 2015

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Spain’s Caminito del Rey looks more like an “Indiana Jones” movie set than a walkway for mere mortals.

Originally constructed in by King Alfonso XIII in 1921, the walkway was built high above the Gualdalhorce River in southern Spain. Though the total path is about five miles, the most famous boardwalk segment comprises almost two miles of rickety looking bridges.

Caminito del Rey translates to “King’s Little Path”—a relatively benign name for this tourist attraction where at least five people died, with the most recent happening in 2000s. The walkway has officially been closed since 2001 but many have attempted the trek with carabiners and professional climbing gear.

Think of it as evolution in action. We need more of these sorts of things to filter out the left side of the gene pool.

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Hillary Clinton Wants to Send Citizens to Camps—Fun Camps!

20th March 2015

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The punchlines write themselves on this one, and that’s exactly what’s happening. Hillary Clinton, soon to announce her candidacy for president, spoke last night before the American Camp Association in New Jersey. In an effort to try to connect with her audience, she said, “We really need to have camps for adults. … None of the serious stuff. None of the life challenge stuff. More fun. I think we have a huge ‘fun deficit’ in America.”

I guess laughing at the Clintons isn’t enough.

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Anti-Capitalist Protesters Occupy Wrong Building

16th March 2015

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Hippies have invaded the heart of St. James’s, occupying a building on Pall Mall to protest the evils of capitalism. Yet it seems they did not do their homework…

123 Pall Mall, where the invading lefties have hoisted their banners, used to be the home of the Institute of Directors – and they were the clear target of the campaign.

However, the lease on the building was handed back by the IoD last summer, after an expansion at their headquarters down the road. The building is nothing to do with the business cheer leaders any more.

An IOD spokesman tells the Spectator:

‘We vacated this building six months ago, but there’s a chance there are some old Hayek or Adam Smith books left behind. Who knows, perhaps they’ll learn something.’

Smashing the system, one geography lesson at a time.

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Microsoft Is Now Selling Its Windows Ninja Cat Sticker

13th March 2015

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Be the first on your block to suggest that you ought to be subtracted from the gene pool.

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Pakistan Fines Qatari Royal for Hunting With Falcons Without Permit

12th March 2015

Third World Problem.

The issue of Gulf royals coming to Pakistan to hunt with falcons is becoming increasingly controversial.

Well. There it is.

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The Bush Dynasty’s Central Project Since 1953

5th March 2015

Steve Sailer is on the case.

With Jeb Bush much in the news, it’s worth recalling how central to the Bush Dynasty has been the goal of integrating Mexico into the North American economy ever since 1953 when George H.W. Bush co-founded the Zapata Corporation. (It’s not surprising that George W. Bush named his little oil company Arbusto, or Bush in Spanish.)

I love the smell of conspiracy in the morning.

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Thought for the Day

28th February 2015

Hillary Denier copy

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Texas Truck of Terror

24th February 2015

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Mark Oberholtzer wasn’t following the Syrian militant group Jabhat Ansar al-Din on Twitter. So when they tweeted a picture of a Ford pickup in December with an anti-aircraft gun blazing from the truck bed, he probably missed it.

Until someone mentioned to him that it was his truck. Or rather, it was a truck previously owned by his plumbing company. The jihadists hadn’t bothered to remove the decal from the door for Mark-1 Plumbing, complete with his phone number, before sending out the action shot on social media.

Texas sets the standard for bad-ass.

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Sanrio to Release a Hello Kitty Toilet Seat

23rd February 2015

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Because pooping is the first thing anyone thinks of when they hear the words Hello Kitty, Sanrio has decided to release a fairly sophisticated toilet seat in the character’s likeness.

Well. There it is.

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Wedding Ends in Brawl After Bride Marries Guest Instead of Groom

20th February 2015

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A bride in India decided to marry a guest on her big day after the groom had a seizure during the ceremony. The decision sparked a brawl after the husband-to-be regained consciousness and realized his would-be wife was with someone else, The Times of India reported Thursday.

As Kishore extended his arms, he had an epileptic fit and fell to the ground in front of the gathering. The bride, apparently angry that her family was kept in the dark about Kishore’s medical condition, announced that she would marry a guest at the wedding instead, The Times of India reports.

The guest – dressed only in jeans and a leather jacket – was reportedly startled before agreeing to the bride’s request, and the ceremony continued.

I guess India is the new California.

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Suit Yourself: Utah Court Lets Woman Sue Herself Over Fatal Wreck

20th February 2015

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The lawsuit boils down to the definition of ‘of another.’ A Utah appeals court essentially agreed with Bagley’s definition that Bagley the driver is a separate party from Bagley the estate representative. Bagley the driver is represented by her insurance company and the suit, according to one legal expert, is likely an attempt for her to collect on an insurance payout.

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Yale Global Warming Protest Cancelled Due to Snow

15th February 2015

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Feel free to laugh uproariously.

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Health Centre Looks Like a Spreadeagled NAKED MAN When Viewed on Google Earth

13th February 2015

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Totally coincidental, I’m sure. (But somewhere there’s an architect laughing his ass off….)

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Ohio Court Rules Against Ex-teacher With Phobia of Children

12th February 2015

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The 63-year-old teacher, who had taught Spanish and French at Mariemont High School in Cincinnati since the 1970s, said she was transferred to a middle school in 2009. Her lawsuit said the seventh- and eighth-graders triggered her phobia, causing her blood pressure to soar and forcing her to retire in the middle of the 2010-11 school year. Her lawsuit sought unspecified damages.

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This Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Steams Her Vagina

6th February 2015

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Really. Just … read it.

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Iceland to Build First Temple to Norse Gods Since Viking Age

3rd February 2015

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They’ll need Chris Hemsworth for the opening, of course.

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C-Fu: The Tofu Made of 100 Percent Mealworm Protein

2nd February 2015

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Feel free to barf at the thought. I did.

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Woman Accepts Cliffside Proposal, Then Falls to Her Death

31st January 2015

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A vacationing woman accepted her boyfriend’s romantic marriage proposal in a picture-perfect cliffside setting in Ibiza — only to fall off the edge to her death as she jumped up and down for joy.

Let that be a lesson to us all.

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Hipster Churches in Silicon Valley: Evangelicalism’s Unlikely New Home

30th January 2015

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The Bay Area has never been perceived as religious: a 2012 Gallup poll found that fewer than a quarter of residents identify as “very religious” (defined as going to church weekly), as opposed to 40% of the nation as a whole. High salaries have drawn droves of well-educated millennials to the booming tech sector, which correlates with lower religious sentiment. So far afield from the Bible belt, the region is in fact seen as hospitable to all forms of old testament abominations: fornication, paganism – even sodomy.

If you look around, however, you’ll notice a bumper crop of newer Christian ministries that, upon superficial glance, could pass for any other Bay Area start-up: glossy web design, well-curated social accounts and yes, free coffee promotions. County-level statistics substantiate this: numbers from the Association of Religion Data Archives show that several large Protestant denominations have grown in San Francisco County in recent years.

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The Best Story About the Queen and King Abdullah You Will Read Today

24th January 2015

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Apparently Abdullah, then Crown Prince, visited Balmoral some time in the 90s and the Queen drove him on a white-knuckle trip around the estate in a Land Rover. Abdullah comes from a country where women aren’t allowed to drive and the Queen has been driving since she was a teenager during World War II.

Now that’s comedy.

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Men DO Have the Right to Stand Up and Wee, Rules German Court

22nd January 2015

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The finding was made when a landlord claimed his tenant had ruined a marble floor by sprinkling it with urine.

The disgruntled landlord tried to retain a €3,000 (£2,300) deposit for the damage allegedly caused by his guest’s acidic spillage.

But Judge Stefan Hank today ruled that men who stand up to relieve themselves cannot be held to account for any collateral damage.

And there was much rejoicing.

 

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Strangest Diplomatic Initiative Ever: You’ve Got a Friend!

17th January 2015

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The administration has acknowledged that it erred by not participating in a meaningful way in the giant pro-free speech demonstration in Paris, so it has tried to make amends by sending John Kerry to France. Apparently thinking that he needed reinforcements to convey a full sense of the administration’s symbolic support, Kerry brought along…James Taylor.

God only knows what the French made of this. Maybe James Taylor is still popular there, like Jerry Lewis.

As Tom Lehrer said when describing the ‘Folksong Army': ‘They may have won all the battles — but we had all the good songs!’

(Now just think about what kind of President Kerry would have been…. America really dodged a bullet there.)

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High-top Sneakers With Poop Emoji Pattern

15th January 2015

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As George Carlin used to say, ‘If you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it.’

 

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British Comedian Runs for Parliament

15th January 2015

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His platform, while amusing, makes as much sense as the major parties.

 

  • The pound in your pocket: The pound will be revalued at one pound 10p, so it will now be worth 10p more. Common sense.
  • The NHS: If you come to A&E and it’s neither an accident nor an emergency then you will be sent to a random hospital department to be practised on. Common sense.
  • Foreign Policy: Germany has been too quiet for too long. Just saying.

Sort of like if Al Franken would run for the Senate. Oh, wait….

 

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Things Only Food Snobs Have in Their Kitchens

14th January 2015

Read it. Here’s the list:

1. Special salts.

2. Truffle anything.

3. Selection of bitters.

4. Stinky cheeses.

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Alabama Principal Seeks Cans of Food to Defend Against Intruders

14th January 2015

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An eastern Alabama school principal is asking students to bring cans of food such as corn and peas as a way of fighting off a school intruder.

W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscella Holley said in a Friday letter to parents that a can could stun an intruder “or even knock him out” until police arrive.

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Iceland: Brewery Makes ‘Whale Testicle Beer’

13th January 2015

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Well, you know, the winter nights are long, and there really isn’t a lot to do….

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eBay Honeymoon Wife Replacement Auction Reaches £1,800

7th January 2015

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An online auction to join a man on his honeymoon after he split with his fiancée has reached £1,800.

Instead of cancelling his holiday for two to the Dominican Republic, John Whitbread decided to offer the chance to join him to the highest eBay bidder.

After an “overwhelming” response from 65 bidders, he has said he will donate some of the money to charity.

 

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Princeton Student: Joking About How I Pronounce ‘Cool Whip’ Is a Microaggression

6th January 2015

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I’m not making this up, but I can’t guarantee that the writer isn’t.

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How to Become a Cat Lady

3rd January 2015

The Other McCain does a fisking.

Lisa Bonos (@lisabonos) has published a column headlined “How to find a feminist boyfriend” that reads like an Onion parody….

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George P. Bush Sworn In to Texas Post

2nd January 2015

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George P. Bush was sworn in Friday as Texas land commissioner. The 38-year-old political newcomer sat next to his father in the Texas Senate while formally taking the reins of the state agency that oversees vast oil and mineral rights.

The next generation of Bush volunteers to serve as the butt of ‘progressive’ straw-men for the rest of his life.

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Abduction Obsession Means Virginia Hospitals Won’t Release ‘First Baby of 2015′ Names

2nd January 2015

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I can find no record of any baby being taken from a hospital because its birth was announced right after midnight on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t stop the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children—funded, in part, by government dollars—from turning a joyous event into one requiring new oversight and worry.

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Woman Seeks Trademark for “I Can’t Breathe,” Dying New York Man’s Final Words

19th December 2014

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An Illinois woman is seeking to trademark the dying last words of the New York City man who gasped “I can’t breathe” while being arrested by NYPD cops for selling loose cigarettes.

In a December 13 application, Catherine Crump petitioned the United States Patent and Trademark Office to register the phrase for use on hoodies and t-shirts for men, women, boys, girls, and infants.

Three similar entrepreneurs have filed to trademark the phrase “Hands Up Don’t Shoot” for use on clothing items. Each of those USPTO applications was filed within three weeks of the August 9 death of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager who was shot to death by a cop in Ferguson, Missouri.

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Hero Mom Calls Into CSPAN to Berate Her Arguing Pundit Sons

17th December 2014

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Everybody knows that the best part about CSPAN is the unpredictable nature of the show’s call-in segments, where regular hosts and guests do an admirable job of fielding unusual questions with no advance warning. But brothers Brad and Dallas Woodhouse are now the champions of awkward CSPAN calls, after the politically divided brothers ended up taking a call from their mom.

“Oh God, it’s mom,” Dallas Woodhouse said as soon as “Joy” from North Carolina started to speak.

Know how they feel.

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Force Google News to Stay in Spain, Newspaper Association Tells Government

15th December 2014

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As Scott Shackford noted last week, Google News is pulling out of Spain after the newspaper industry there, represented by the Asociación de Editores de Diarios Españoles (AEDE) successfully lobbied to force newspapers to charge Google for the inclusion of their content in news search results. Yes, really. Since Google News makes no money, Google found this a bit rich and decided to close shop rather than hemorrhage cash for the privilege of including Spanish newspaper results. Now, the AEDE wants Spanish and European Union government officials to force Google to keep the local edition of Google News operating. And, presumably, paying newspapers.

Franco may be dead, but the Fascist spirit apparently lives on.

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Falling Deaths Outnumber ‘School Shooting’ Deaths by Tens of Thousands

10th December 2014

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported “27,483 unintentional fall deaths” in 2011 alone. That is 27,460.5 more deaths each year via unintentional falls than “school shootings,” yet Everytown is pulling out all stops to make America safer by pushing more gun control.

Well, then, let’s just ban heights. Nothing easier. IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!

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HAPPY DANCE SUNDAY

30th November 2014

Hamster Dance

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Student Group Says UNC’s Student-Athlete Fraud Is Actually a Result of White Supremacist, Heteropatriarchal Capitalism

2nd November 2014

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Of course. It’s all clear to me now.

To the students’ credit, this is a paragraph of which Michael Eric Dyson would be proud. It is a prose gem of pseudo-intellectualism, from words such as “heteropatriarchal” to phrases such as “commodification of bodies of color” to provocations such as putting “American” in scare quotes. It is precisely what one would expect from a liberal-jargon-spewing automaton — which, of course, is a good description of many college students.

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Watch What Happens When 2 Guys Disguise McNuggets as Gourmet Snacks and Serve Them to Food Experts

26th October 2014

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Two guys behind the YouTube channel lifehunterstv sliced McDonald’s McNuggets and burgers into bite-size pieces and served them with toothpicks on a white platter. They told the conference attendees that the food was a sampling from their “high-end” restaurant’s menu.

One attendee called the food “nice and firm” and said it had “a good bite.”

Another said it “rolls around the tongue nicely,” and “if it were wine, I’d say it’s fine.”

There are times when ‘Heh’ seems inadequate.

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Obama’s Under-Used Credit Card Declined in NY Cafe

18th October 2014

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Usually he just charges it to the American people.

“They thought there was some fraud going on,” he said, chatting while announcing a government plan to tighten security for debit cards that transfer federal benefits like Social Security to millions of Americans.

Truer than you know….

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Students: Transgender Woman Can’t Be Diversity Officer Because She’s a White Man Now

16th October 2014

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Patriarchy works even when you don’t want it to. Or something.

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Lawyer Says It’s Copyright Infringement to Use Her Own Blog Posts Against Her in Disciplinary Proceedings

16th October 2014

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This sort of thing (and this sort of people) is why I don’t practice law.

It is also, I think, why politics is full of lawyers — the only career field where you can make a lot of money by being absurd.

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Martha Lane Fox: YEUCH! The Internet is MADE by MEN?!?

16th October 2014

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Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho has talked of her discomfort that the internet is made by humans who have a penis.

The former Martha Lane Fox, CBE, told the Radio Academy’s Radio Festival in Salford that she felt uneasy “that something that is now fundamental, like the water, for everybody’s daily life has been entirely produced by men.”

Alas, she’s right. Unlike Cuban cigars, which according to legend are rolled on the thighs of (female) virgins, internet packets arrive through a brutal, phallus-dominated patriarchy. It’s enough to make anyone queasy.

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Hillary Clinton Charges University $225K for Speech on the High Cost of Tuition

15th October 2014

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Only Hillary Clinton can take a $225,000 speaking fee from a public university and then, in the speech, lament how high the cost of higher education is.

Your tax dollars at work.

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