DYSPEPSIA GENERATION

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Archive for the 'You can’t make this stuff up.' Category

Thought for the Day

28th February 2015

Hillary Denier copy

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Texas Truck of Terror

24th February 2015

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Mark Oberholtzer wasn’t following the Syrian militant group Jabhat Ansar al-Din on Twitter. So when they tweeted a picture of a Ford pickup in December with an anti-aircraft gun blazing from the truck bed, he probably missed it.

Until someone mentioned to him that it was his truck. Or rather, it was a truck previously owned by his plumbing company. The jihadists hadn’t bothered to remove the decal from the door for Mark-1 Plumbing, complete with his phone number, before sending out the action shot on social media.

Texas sets the standard for bad-ass.

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Sanrio to Release a Hello Kitty Toilet Seat

23rd February 2015

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Because pooping is the first thing anyone thinks of when they hear the words Hello Kitty, Sanrio has decided to release a fairly sophisticated toilet seat in the character’s likeness.

Well. There it is.

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Wedding Ends in Brawl After Bride Marries Guest Instead of Groom

20th February 2015

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A bride in India decided to marry a guest on her big day after the groom had a seizure during the ceremony. The decision sparked a brawl after the husband-to-be regained consciousness and realized his would-be wife was with someone else, The Times of India reported Thursday.

As Kishore extended his arms, he had an epileptic fit and fell to the ground in front of the gathering. The bride, apparently angry that her family was kept in the dark about Kishore’s medical condition, announced that she would marry a guest at the wedding instead, The Times of India reports.

The guest – dressed only in jeans and a leather jacket – was reportedly startled before agreeing to the bride’s request, and the ceremony continued.

I guess India is the new California.

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Suit Yourself: Utah Court Lets Woman Sue Herself Over Fatal Wreck

20th February 2015

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The lawsuit boils down to the definition of ‘of another.’ A Utah appeals court essentially agreed with Bagley’s definition that Bagley the driver is a separate party from Bagley the estate representative. Bagley the driver is represented by her insurance company and the suit, according to one legal expert, is likely an attempt for her to collect on an insurance payout.

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Yale Global Warming Protest Cancelled Due to Snow

15th February 2015

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Feel free to laugh uproariously.

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Health Centre Looks Like a Spreadeagled NAKED MAN When Viewed on Google Earth

13th February 2015

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Totally coincidental, I’m sure. (But somewhere there’s an architect laughing his ass off….)

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Ohio Court Rules Against Ex-teacher With Phobia of Children

12th February 2015

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The 63-year-old teacher, who had taught Spanish and French at Mariemont High School in Cincinnati since the 1970s, said she was transferred to a middle school in 2009. Her lawsuit said the seventh- and eighth-graders triggered her phobia, causing her blood pressure to soar and forcing her to retire in the middle of the 2010-11 school year. Her lawsuit sought unspecified damages.

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This Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Steams Her Vagina

6th February 2015

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Really. Just … read it.

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Iceland to Build First Temple to Norse Gods Since Viking Age

3rd February 2015

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They’ll need Chris Hemsworth for the opening, of course.

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C-Fu: The Tofu Made of 100 Percent Mealworm Protein

2nd February 2015

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Feel free to barf at the thought. I did.

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Woman Accepts Cliffside Proposal, Then Falls to Her Death

31st January 2015

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A vacationing woman accepted her boyfriend’s romantic marriage proposal in a picture-perfect cliffside setting in Ibiza — only to fall off the edge to her death as she jumped up and down for joy.

Let that be a lesson to us all.

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Hipster Churches in Silicon Valley: Evangelicalism’s Unlikely New Home

30th January 2015

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The Bay Area has never been perceived as religious: a 2012 Gallup poll found that fewer than a quarter of residents identify as “very religious” (defined as going to church weekly), as opposed to 40% of the nation as a whole. High salaries have drawn droves of well-educated millennials to the booming tech sector, which correlates with lower religious sentiment. So far afield from the Bible belt, the region is in fact seen as hospitable to all forms of old testament abominations: fornication, paganism – even sodomy.

If you look around, however, you’ll notice a bumper crop of newer Christian ministries that, upon superficial glance, could pass for any other Bay Area start-up: glossy web design, well-curated social accounts and yes, free coffee promotions. County-level statistics substantiate this: numbers from the Association of Religion Data Archives show that several large Protestant denominations have grown in San Francisco County in recent years.

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The Best Story About the Queen and King Abdullah You Will Read Today

24th January 2015

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Apparently Abdullah, then Crown Prince, visited Balmoral some time in the 90s and the Queen drove him on a white-knuckle trip around the estate in a Land Rover. Abdullah comes from a country where women aren’t allowed to drive and the Queen has been driving since she was a teenager during World War II.

Now that’s comedy.

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Men DO Have the Right to Stand Up and Wee, Rules German Court

22nd January 2015

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The finding was made when a landlord claimed his tenant had ruined a marble floor by sprinkling it with urine.

The disgruntled landlord tried to retain a €3,000 (£2,300) deposit for the damage allegedly caused by his guest’s acidic spillage.

But Judge Stefan Hank today ruled that men who stand up to relieve themselves cannot be held to account for any collateral damage.

And there was much rejoicing.

 

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Strangest Diplomatic Initiative Ever: You’ve Got a Friend!

17th January 2015

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The administration has acknowledged that it erred by not participating in a meaningful way in the giant pro-free speech demonstration in Paris, so it has tried to make amends by sending John Kerry to France. Apparently thinking that he needed reinforcements to convey a full sense of the administration’s symbolic support, Kerry brought along…James Taylor.

God only knows what the French made of this. Maybe James Taylor is still popular there, like Jerry Lewis.

As Tom Lehrer said when describing the ‘Folksong Army': ‘They may have won all the battles — but we had all the good songs!’

(Now just think about what kind of President Kerry would have been…. America really dodged a bullet there.)

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High-top Sneakers With Poop Emoji Pattern

15th January 2015

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As George Carlin used to say, ‘If you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it.’

 

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British Comedian Runs for Parliament

15th January 2015

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His platform, while amusing, makes as much sense as the major parties.

 

  • The pound in your pocket: The pound will be revalued at one pound 10p, so it will now be worth 10p more. Common sense.
  • The NHS: If you come to A&E and it’s neither an accident nor an emergency then you will be sent to a random hospital department to be practised on. Common sense.
  • Foreign Policy: Germany has been too quiet for too long. Just saying.

Sort of like if Al Franken would run for the Senate. Oh, wait….

 

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Things Only Food Snobs Have in Their Kitchens

14th January 2015

Read it. Here’s the list:

1. Special salts.

2. Truffle anything.

3. Selection of bitters.

4. Stinky cheeses.

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Alabama Principal Seeks Cans of Food to Defend Against Intruders

14th January 2015

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An eastern Alabama school principal is asking students to bring cans of food such as corn and peas as a way of fighting off a school intruder.

W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscella Holley said in a Friday letter to parents that a can could stun an intruder “or even knock him out” until police arrive.

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Iceland: Brewery Makes ‘Whale Testicle Beer’

13th January 2015

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Well, you know, the winter nights are long, and there really isn’t a lot to do….

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eBay Honeymoon Wife Replacement Auction Reaches £1,800

7th January 2015

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An online auction to join a man on his honeymoon after he split with his fiancée has reached £1,800.

Instead of cancelling his holiday for two to the Dominican Republic, John Whitbread decided to offer the chance to join him to the highest eBay bidder.

After an “overwhelming” response from 65 bidders, he has said he will donate some of the money to charity.

 

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Princeton Student: Joking About How I Pronounce ‘Cool Whip’ Is a Microaggression

6th January 2015

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I’m not making this up, but I can’t guarantee that the writer isn’t.

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How to Become a Cat Lady

3rd January 2015

The Other McCain does a fisking.

Lisa Bonos (@lisabonos) has published a column headlined “How to find a feminist boyfriend” that reads like an Onion parody….

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George P. Bush Sworn In to Texas Post

2nd January 2015

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George P. Bush was sworn in Friday as Texas land commissioner. The 38-year-old political newcomer sat next to his father in the Texas Senate while formally taking the reins of the state agency that oversees vast oil and mineral rights.

The next generation of Bush volunteers to serve as the butt of ‘progressive’ straw-men for the rest of his life.

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Abduction Obsession Means Virginia Hospitals Won’t Release ‘First Baby of 2015′ Names

2nd January 2015

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I can find no record of any baby being taken from a hospital because its birth was announced right after midnight on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t stop the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children—funded, in part, by government dollars—from turning a joyous event into one requiring new oversight and worry.

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Woman Seeks Trademark for “I Can’t Breathe,” Dying New York Man’s Final Words

19th December 2014

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An Illinois woman is seeking to trademark the dying last words of the New York City man who gasped “I can’t breathe” while being arrested by NYPD cops for selling loose cigarettes.

In a December 13 application, Catherine Crump petitioned the United States Patent and Trademark Office to register the phrase for use on hoodies and t-shirts for men, women, boys, girls, and infants.

Three similar entrepreneurs have filed to trademark the phrase “Hands Up Don’t Shoot” for use on clothing items. Each of those USPTO applications was filed within three weeks of the August 9 death of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager who was shot to death by a cop in Ferguson, Missouri.

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Hero Mom Calls Into CSPAN to Berate Her Arguing Pundit Sons

17th December 2014

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Everybody knows that the best part about CSPAN is the unpredictable nature of the show’s call-in segments, where regular hosts and guests do an admirable job of fielding unusual questions with no advance warning. But brothers Brad and Dallas Woodhouse are now the champions of awkward CSPAN calls, after the politically divided brothers ended up taking a call from their mom.

“Oh God, it’s mom,” Dallas Woodhouse said as soon as “Joy” from North Carolina started to speak.

Know how they feel.

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Force Google News to Stay in Spain, Newspaper Association Tells Government

15th December 2014

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As Scott Shackford noted last week, Google News is pulling out of Spain after the newspaper industry there, represented by the Asociación de Editores de Diarios Españoles (AEDE) successfully lobbied to force newspapers to charge Google for the inclusion of their content in news search results. Yes, really. Since Google News makes no money, Google found this a bit rich and decided to close shop rather than hemorrhage cash for the privilege of including Spanish newspaper results. Now, the AEDE wants Spanish and European Union government officials to force Google to keep the local edition of Google News operating. And, presumably, paying newspapers.

Franco may be dead, but the Fascist spirit apparently lives on.

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Falling Deaths Outnumber ‘School Shooting’ Deaths by Tens of Thousands

10th December 2014

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported “27,483 unintentional fall deaths” in 2011 alone. That is 27,460.5 more deaths each year via unintentional falls than “school shootings,” yet Everytown is pulling out all stops to make America safer by pushing more gun control.

Well, then, let’s just ban heights. Nothing easier. IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!

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HAPPY DANCE SUNDAY

30th November 2014

Hamster Dance

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Student Group Says UNC’s Student-Athlete Fraud Is Actually a Result of White Supremacist, Heteropatriarchal Capitalism

2nd November 2014

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Of course. It’s all clear to me now.

To the students’ credit, this is a paragraph of which Michael Eric Dyson would be proud. It is a prose gem of pseudo-intellectualism, from words such as “heteropatriarchal” to phrases such as “commodification of bodies of color” to provocations such as putting “American” in scare quotes. It is precisely what one would expect from a liberal-jargon-spewing automaton — which, of course, is a good description of many college students.

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Watch What Happens When 2 Guys Disguise McNuggets as Gourmet Snacks and Serve Them to Food Experts

26th October 2014

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Two guys behind the YouTube channel lifehunterstv sliced McDonald’s McNuggets and burgers into bite-size pieces and served them with toothpicks on a white platter. They told the conference attendees that the food was a sampling from their “high-end” restaurant’s menu.

One attendee called the food “nice and firm” and said it had “a good bite.”

Another said it “rolls around the tongue nicely,” and “if it were wine, I’d say it’s fine.”

There are times when ‘Heh’ seems inadequate.

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Obama’s Under-Used Credit Card Declined in NY Cafe

18th October 2014

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Usually he just charges it to the American people.

“They thought there was some fraud going on,” he said, chatting while announcing a government plan to tighten security for debit cards that transfer federal benefits like Social Security to millions of Americans.

Truer than you know….

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Students: Transgender Woman Can’t Be Diversity Officer Because She’s a White Man Now

16th October 2014

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Patriarchy works even when you don’t want it to. Or something.

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Lawyer Says It’s Copyright Infringement to Use Her Own Blog Posts Against Her in Disciplinary Proceedings

16th October 2014

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This sort of thing (and this sort of people) is why I don’t practice law.

It is also, I think, why politics is full of lawyers — the only career field where you can make a lot of money by being absurd.

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Martha Lane Fox: YEUCH! The Internet is MADE by MEN?!?

16th October 2014

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Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho has talked of her discomfort that the internet is made by humans who have a penis.

The former Martha Lane Fox, CBE, told the Radio Academy’s Radio Festival in Salford that she felt uneasy “that something that is now fundamental, like the water, for everybody’s daily life has been entirely produced by men.”

Alas, she’s right. Unlike Cuban cigars, which according to legend are rolled on the thighs of (female) virgins, internet packets arrive through a brutal, phallus-dominated patriarchy. It’s enough to make anyone queasy.

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Hillary Clinton Charges University $225K for Speech on the High Cost of Tuition

15th October 2014

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Only Hillary Clinton can take a $225,000 speaking fee from a public university and then, in the speech, lament how high the cost of higher education is.

Your tax dollars at work.

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The Latest Culinary Fad: Famine Food

5th October 2014

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Unfortunately, for many of our remote ancestors, the absence of effective transportation, such as railroads and container ships, meant that they had no choice but to survive on a local diet and, in the process, put all their agricultural eggs into one geographical basket. This was always a recipe for disaster. The Roman poet Virgil in his Georgics described how, in bad years, weeds invaded the land, voles and mice spoiled the threshing floor, cranes and geese attacked the crops, goats ate the young vines, and moles, toads and ants each feasted on or undermined the farmer’s work. (Virgil could also have discussed fungus, insect pests and other problems.) Of course, whatever survived these pests could be damaged or wiped out by summer droughts and winter windstorms, as well as snow, hail or heavy rain. Even in good years, Virgil observed, a field might be accidentally set on fire.

No matter the location or agricultural system, local food for local people not only meant that most people struggled with famine and malnutrition – it also meant many were well aware of the undomesticated local plants they could use as either supplementary or emergency food sources. In the words of economic historian Peter Garnsey: ‘Peasants have always been systematic foragers on uncultivated land [including fallow fields], in woods, marshes and rivers.’ (1) Indeed, for the average European peasant, with the exception of poisonous or very bitter plants, ‘anything that grew went into the pot, even primrose and strawberry leaves’ (2). According to a recent survey, despite their absence from official statistics and the ‘routine underestimation’ of their importance, many ‘wild foods’ are still ‘actively managed’ by nearly one billion people whose annual income would probably not pay for one evening’s dining at NOMA or Coi.

The fact that food snobs now need to revert back to the famine foods of old should not be viewed as an indictment of our modern food production system, but rather as astounding proof that, today, that system feeds middle-class consumers better than most kings in history. Far from wearing sustainable adornments, all the emperors of SOLE food really offer us in the end is an unaffordable witch brew that caters to the palates of people with too much time and money on their hands.

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White Lesbian Sues Sperm Bank After Having Black Baby

1st October 2014

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Steve Sailer gives us a little background here.

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Doctor Loo: Where Doctor Who Goes to Poo

5th September 2014

Read it.

This is for my wife, who is a big Dr Who fan.

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FREE CATHY BRENNAN!

27th August 2014

The Other McCain is on the case.

Cathy Brennan’s Twitter account @GIDWatch got suspended Tuesday because Brennan, a radical lesbian feminist, began “naming names” of those who had signed a petition to end the women-only policy of the Michigan Womyn’s Festival. Transgender activists have been attempting to take over feminist events and organizations, claiming that the fact that they were born with penises and XY chromosomes should not prevent them from being accepted as “lesbian feminists” even if they have not undergone surgery.

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The Flight From White, Cont.

13th August 2014

Steve Sailer pulls back the curtain.

As all the talk in the media about the benefits of White Privilege reaches a crescendo, various groups of white people are acting as if they don’t actually believe it. Instead, they are looking for ways to stop being white in the eyes of the government.

I guess all that White Privilege isn’t worth as much as it used to be.

Having white people call you white is the most insidious kind of racism.

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D.C. News Crew Robbed While Reporting on “Sketchy” Neighborhoods

11th August 2014

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The news crew’s vehicle was burglarized while they were working on a story about a controversial app that alerts people to “sketchy” neighborhoods, WUSA reports.

The crew had locked their news van on a street in Petworth in Northwest, D.C. while they were out in the neighborhood conducting interviews. When they returned they found the lock had been popped out of the door of their news van, and that most of the crew’s gear had been stolen.

No better testimonial for an app will you ever see.

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Game of Thrones Transit Maps

5th August 2014

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Truly, you can find anything on the Internet.

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Green Groups Too White and Too Male Compared to Other Sectors

5th August 2014

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Survey of 300 US environmental groups show lower percentage of jobs held by ethnic minorities than in science and engineering

And this in the Guardian, a bona fide Voice of the Crust.

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Prof Hired Due to Her Race Loses Race Discrimination Lawsuit

3rd August 2014

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Roslyn Chavda, a former assistant professor at the University of New Hampshire, was hired at the school during a hiring freeze … because of the school’s “ongoing efforts to enhance racial diversity on campus.”

Chavda was fired from her job in 2012 due to poor performance reviews and failure to publish in scholarly journals, according to UNH.

Chavda claimed that a white male untenured professor hired around the same time as she also did not publish, and is still employed by the school. She also had claimed gender discrimination, having had issues due to giving birth to twins shortly after her arrival at UNH.

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Harry Reid Thinks Clarence Thomas Is White

8th July 2014

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“The one thing we are going to do during this work period, sooner rather than later, is to ensure that women’s lives are not determine by virtue of five white men,” Reid said. “This Hobby Lobby decision is outrageous and we are going to do something about it. People are going to have to walk down here and vote.

He also thinks that the Democrat Party doesn’t have a lot of billionaires.

Wonder what the weather’s like on his planet?

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‘Millions of tons of ocean plastic have gone missing’

5th July 2014

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For a decade or more, scientists have assumed our seas carry millions of tons of plastic, much of which should be floating in open water, forming vast midocean “gyres” — islands of man-made mess such as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. But according to a new study, something more worrying is happening to 99 percent of the ocean’s plastic: it’s disappearing.

Think about that for a second: Because an actual scientific study can’t find all the plastic that ‘scientists have assumed’ exist in the seas, it must have gone missing somehow. Oh noes!

I am reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin puts a couple slices of bread in a toaster, waits, and shows Hobbes the resulting toast. Hobbes looks carefully at the toaster: “Wow. Where does the bread go?” and Calvin responds “Beats me. Isn’t that strange?”

These are the people who believe in Global Warming. Be very afraid.

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The Biter Bit: Inmates Run the Facebook Asylum

29th June 2014

The Other McCain translates.

If you’ve ever been targeted for online harassment, as I have, you know how maddening it can be to deal with people who tell you, “Oh, it’s just the Internet.” You may also be aware that mentally ill perpetrators of harassment habitually pretend that they are the victims. In the war of Internet annihilation which they initiated and refuse to cease, your acts of self-defense are portrayed as aggressions.

Now, imagine discovering that the online service you’re dealing with in your efforts to stop the harassment have entrusted your avowed enemies with authority to decide what constitutes “abuse.”

Gender Identity Watch is a radical feminist site — certainly no friend or ally of mine — that has been targeted by transgender activists who are trying to silence them. Why? Because they are feminists who refuse to go along with the sex-change pretense. The transgenders can’t stand being criticized under the banner of “feminism.” Radical women are being censored in the name of “fairness and safety.”

Apparently one type of pervert is oppressing another, all while squabbling for the banner of Victimhood. Pass the popcorn.

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