DYSPEPSIA GENERATION

We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Archive for the 'You can’t make this stuff up.' Category

Income Inequality Institute Will Pay Paul Krugman $25,000 Per Month

17th April 2014

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Being a Voice of the Crust pays very very well indeed.

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Vandals Flip Smart Cars in San Francisco

8th April 2014

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Vandals spent the early morning hours targeting Smart cars in San Francisco Monday, flipping three vehicles in the Bernal Heights and Portola neighborhoods, KTVU reports.

More here.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Honda Claims Lawn Mower Top Speed Record

3rd April 2014

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Honda’s UK division has set a lawn mower top speed record at 116.57 mph.

Not with one of its showroom models, but a custom “Mean Mower” that’s powered by the 1.0-liter engine from a Honda motorcycle that makes it nearly seven times more powerful than the factory machine it’s based on.

So then what’s the point?

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Once Unionized, Obamacare Forces Northwestern to Pay for Football Players’ Maternity Coverage

1st April 2014

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You really don’t want to get on the wrong side of those pregnant football players….

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Thousands Sign Whitehouse.Gov Petition for Alaska to Secede — to Russia

27th March 2014

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Perhaps they think Putin acts less like a Communist than Obama. I can understand that.

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Flexible Fantasy: ‘Dungeons & Dragons’ Yoga Comes to Crown Heights

26th March 2014

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Only in New York….

A Brooklyn experimental artist has created a “Dungeons & Dragons”-themed yoga class for both fitness fanatics and fans of the time-honored fantasy game.

“The fact that are these two cultures, which are perceived as being different, seemed like a really exciting experiment,” said creator Scott Wayne Indiana. “It’s very earthy.”

Is that his real name? We report, you decide….

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Iran Building Nonworking American Nuclear-Powered Aircraft Carrier

21st March 2014

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Navy and other American intelligence analysts surmise that the vessel, which Fifth Fleet wags have nicknamed the Target Barge, is something that Iran could tow to sea, anchor and blow up — while filming the whole thing to make a propaganda point, if, say, the talks with the Western powers over Iran’s nuclear program go south.

Iran has previously used barges as targets for missile firings during training exercises, filmed the episodes and then televised them on the state-run news media, Navy officials said.

I guess Islam is a Cargo Cult. Who knew?

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‘I paid to have babies murdered and all I got was this coat hanger necklace?’

20th March 2014

Matt Walsh is not afraid to ask the hard questions.

Luckily, The DC Abortion Fund — much like Gosnell himself — likes to keep it classy. That’s why they offer a gift to anyone who chooses to donate to their organization:

coat hanger

A coat hanger pendant.

Yes, really, a coat hanger pendant.

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Innocence of the Law Is No Excuse

17th March 2014

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As if parents with school-age children don’t have enough to worry about already, what with whether or not their children are eating enough vegetables from the red-orange subgroups, or ensuring that they participate in as little physical activity as possible, now we have a scourge Planet Moron has been following for some time:

Imaginary weapons.

Some might dismiss the threat posed by imaginary weapons, however they’re not taking fully into account the many pretend deaths that could result if schools didn’t act quickly and decisively to neutralize the non-existent threat.

Take for example, the boy caught red-handed with an imaginary bow and arrow.

Look, you could put out a make-believe eye with that thing.

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Army’s Top Sex Assault Prosecutor Suspended After Assault Allegation

10th March 2014

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This is like the Secretary of the Treasure being caught dodging his taxes … oh, wait….

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How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist

7th March 2014

The essential guide.

When it comes to boyfriends, there’s a fine line between endearing quirks and severe personality disorders. Is he a pedophile or is he simply good with kids? How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist teaches women to identify the warning signs associated with a spectrum of Mr. Wrongs….

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Doing the Jobs Canadians Won’t Do

7th March 2014

Mark Steyn looks at Canadian culture.

On the radio, the CRTC requires you to play a certain amount of Canadian music – you get points according to whether your record has a Canadian performer, a Canadian producer, a Canadian composer, a Canadian lyricist. This is to strengthen and support Canadian culture. I had no idea a similar system applies to Canadian pornography, but ’tis so….

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Seven Brides for Seven Bros

6th March 2014

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The Dating Ring, a Y Combinator-incubated, group matchmaking startup that recently expanded from New York to San Francisco, is running a Crowdtilt campaign with the stated goal of flying women from NYC to SF. Here’s how the campaign page explains it:

    There are tons more single women in NYC, and tons more single men in SF. And, see, the two cities are only separated by a bunch of crappy airports, flight delays, and cheap roundtrip flights.

    So, we started joking about doing some cross country matchmaking. And you know what they say – make a joke 12 times and it becomes a Crowdtilt. So, America, let’s make this happen.

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‘Study: Global Warming Will Cause 180,000 More Rapes by 2099′

2nd March 2014

Mother Jones lives up (down?) to its fine, fine reputation.

Global warming isn’t just going to melt the Arctic and flood our cities—it’s also going to make Americans more likely to kill each other.

That’s the conclusion of a controversial new study that uses historic crime and temperature data to show that hotter weather leads to more murders, more rapes, more robberies, more assaults, and more property crimes.

“Looking at the past, we see a strong relationship between temperature and crime,” says study author Matthew Ranson, an economist with the policy consulting firm Abt Associates. “We think that is likely to continue in the future.”

Just how much more crime can we expect? Using the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s warming projections, Ranson calculated that from 2010 to 2099, climate change will “cause” an additional “22,000 murders, 180,000 cases of rape, 1.2 million aggravated assaults, 2.3 million simple assaults, 260,000 robberies, 1.3 million burglaries, 2.2 million cases of larceny, and 580,000 cases of vehicle theft” in the United States.

This is the sort of pseudo-science that our ‘progressive’ ruling class swallows without a tremor.

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Facebook Offers FIFTY Gender Options

14th February 2014

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I am not making this up.

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The Wrong Kind of Gay

14th February 2014

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There are local elections coming up in Washington, D.C. The Gay and Lesbian Activist Alliance has put out its ratings.

There are ten candidates for mayor. Nine of the ten returned the questionnaires to GLAA. Of the nine, only one of the candidates is gay.

It turns out that Bruce Majors, the only gay candidate running for mayor of Washington, D.C. also got the lowest score of all the candidates. Why? He is a limited government libertarian.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

High-Tech Meets Low-Tech in Tiny House Movement

11th February 2014

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“The evolution of tiny houses has paralleled the digital revolution, since this whole tiny thing started at the turn of the century,” Jay Shafer of Four Lights Tiny House Company told FoxNews.com. “Once it became possible to have a remote little phone instead of a landline, and a wall-mounted flat screen instead of a 2-foot-by-1-foot chunk on the dresser, folks started seeing the potential for living in what basically amounts to a laptop with a roof.”

In other words, our industrial civilization lets you pretend that you’re living outside of our industrial civilization. SWPL all the way.

But tiny homes are just a fad for hippies, a niche housing craze for Walden-inspired hipsters that will never go mainstream. Right?

Going mainstream isn’t the point, Hickman said.

In other words, yes.

This doesn’t mean we’ll see an uptick in folks selling everything, going off the grid and moving into extremely small mobile homes. It’s more about gradual downsizing, reassessing all our stuff, and making housing choices that are more appropriate for modern lifestyles.”

In other words, once your parents die and you can’t continue living in their basement with your PhD in Women’s Studies, you make a virtue of necessity by pretending that your incipient homelessness is ‘making housing choices that are more appropriate for modern lifestyles’.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan is even more extreme. Despite his commercial success and seeming ability to live in much larger digs, he resides in a two-bedroom apartment in lower Manhattan with his wife and five children.

Which costs roughly more than you’ll make in your lifetime. I’d be more impressed if they made the same choice in, say, Dubuque.

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With Gentrification, Echo Park Gang Members Move Outside Their Turf

6th February 2014

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So many gang members have been priced out of the neighborhood, he said, that their presence can be hard to spot during the week. But on Fridays and Saturdays, they make a pilgrimage back to their roots. They ride in from El Sereno, Eagle Rock, even the Inland Empire, to hang out. Each Monday, trash cans and stop signs wear fresh “ExP” graffiti.

“It becomes a weekend gang,” Arellano said.

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Sean Traynor Enlightens Us: American Beards are Racist

29th January 2014

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Mind you, I’ve always had my suspicions….

Yes, really. Beards are racist, Sean Traynor, a women’s studies grad student at Penn State, informs us at the Atlantic, gravely reminding the reader that “this may not be the story bewhiskered moderns would like to hear”, that beards are not just “an homage to a quaint, innocent fashion trend” but a “legacy” in need of “redeeming”.

The beard, Traynor says, emerged in a time of rejection of the “liquor-fueled conviviality of the barbershop”, and of disastrous epidemics leading to widespread reluctance to “be lathered with the brush which the minute before has been rubbed on the face of we don’t know whom”—but the “real problem” leading to the adoption of the beard, he says, was that Karl Vogt wrote that Blacks and Whites were “two extreme human types”, driving men away from black-owned barbershops and therefore away from beards in general, except that “immigrant barbers—many of them Germans—catered to a growing population of working-class customers”. (Those pesky Germans! What a race of racists!)

After men stopped going to barbershops (except for the ones who didn’t), they didn’t want to shave themselves, since they lacked both the tools and the skill to do so without risking slashing their own throats open or contracting tetanus… except, Traynor says, it was really because they felt threatened by women’s rights movements. Racist and sexist!

Apparently, this is what Women’s Studies does to you. Let that be a lesson to us all.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 2 Comments »

Minorities Rising

29th January 2014

Steve Sailer has a little fun with the pod people.

A few years ago, I came up with the idea for a sitcom called Korean Mother-in-Law, about a nice Stuff White People Like white guy (picture Joaquin Phoenix in Her) who has to live with his (wait for it) Korean mother-in-law, who regularly punctures his liberal American delusions with her bleak, Malthusian cackling.

Chua, however, more or less beat me to this shtick with Tiger Mother.

But it’s probably just as well, since Korean Mother-in-Law would have been the lowest rated show ever, judging by how only Charles Murray and I noticed that Tiger Mother was awfully funny. Most of the press, which is heavily driven by the primal resentments of Jewish women writers and editors, was outraged by Chua’s act. First, she steals our husbands, and then she steals our children’s spots at Harvard!

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Today in White Guilt: White Guy Wins Hip-Hop Grammy; Another White Guy Worries About It at Length

28th January 2014

Steve Sailer never seems to lack for material.

 To prevent white people from robbing blacks, the only kind of popular music white people should be allowed to create is square dance calling. By the way, as Malcolm McClaren unkindly pointed out 31 years ago in “Buffalo Gals,” hip-hop was Stolen from the great white art form of square dance calling….

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Lucasfilm Officially Opens ‘Sandcrawler’ Facility in Shanghai

19th January 2014

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Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, George Lucas, Darth Vader and an entire phalanx of Stormtroopers were on hand to inaugurate the opening of the new Sandcrawler Building, an enormous facility built to house Lucasfilm’s Singaporean headquarters. The building, as you can see, is shaped like the vehicle of the same name as featured in the Star Wars films.

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In San Francisco, It’s Illegal to Store Your Own Stuff in Your Own Garage

9th January 2014

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The Crust takes its duties seriously.

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Scientists Discover Dogs’ Preferred Bathroom Position

3rd January 2014

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Scientists discovered that dogs across a variety of breeds align their body axis with the Earth’s magnetic field (MF) when relieving themselves.

Just in case you were wondering. I know I was.

“It is still enigmatic why the dogs do align at all, whether they do it ‘consciously’ … or whether its reception is controlled on the vegetative level (they ‘feel better/more comfortable or worse/less comfortable’ in a certain direction),” wrote researchers from the Department of Game Management and Wildlife Biology at the Czech University of Life Sciences in the Czech Republic and the zoology department at the University of Duisburg-Essen in Germany.

Hey, tenure doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

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Global Warming Scientists Forced to Admit Defeat… Because of Too Much Ice

1st January 2014

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I’m lovin’ it.

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The World’s First Feminist Programming Language

19th December 2013

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C+= (pronounced either C-plus-Equality, or See Equality) is a feminist programming language, created to smash the toxic Patriarchy that is inherent in and that permeates all current computer programming languages.

The chief personality defect of ‘progressives’ is that they carry politics into everything they do.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 2 Comments »

Mid-Week in Pictures: The Pajama Game Special Edition

18th December 2013

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Mocking Obamacare ads — the new American pastime.

My favorite:

This one is really cruel.  But Kenyon grads will surely like it.

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Global Warming Scientists Meet During Record Cold in California

15th December 2013

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This year’s meeting, beginning on December 9th and concluding on Friday, included several exhibitions on space exploration, extreme weather events, and studies on the impact of various natural energy resource gathering techniques on the planet. It also included a panel on the Arctic and the dangers of a “sustained warming trend in the region,” as well as a panel dedicated to the findings of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.

Hey, who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

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Illegal Immigrants Sue the State of Georgia for In-State Tuition

12th December 2013

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Name another country in which illegal immigrants can use the legal system to sue a state. Name one. I’ll wait.

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McDonald’s Mayhem: Couple Calls 911 After They Don’t Get Hash Browns

12th December 2013

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I’m lovin’ it.

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Businessman Arrested For Loitering, Carrying Legal Gun on Own Property

5th December 2013

Read it. And watch the video.

A spokesman for DeKalb County police said they cannot comment because of pending litigation.

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The Fist Bump Manifesto

24th November 2013

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 Bumping fists has a negative bro-stigma, but it’s better than shaking hands—in that it transmits significantly fewer bacteria. At a time of global concern that our antibiotics are becoming obsolete, new research shows how fist bumping could save lives.

This is from The Atlantic, a Real National Magazine. They actually pay people to write about this stuff.

I regard someone holding a fist out at me as an unsolicited act of aggression, and reserve the right to respond accordingly.

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The Gore Effect Comes to Calgary

24th November 2013

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    Chantal Chagnon with the Idle No More movement, said they’re trying to get the attention of the energy industry and the Canadian Parliament to the growing global opposition to “pipelines, tar sands expansions and other polices that contribute to runaway climate change.”

“We’re seeing the effects of global warming and we can’t keep denying it because obviously something is happening,” Chagnon said.

Well, maybe not:

    Originally about 300 people were slated to participate in the Calgary protest, but due to a snow storm only about 50 showed up.

Funny how that works.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Moose-eating Shark Rescued in Newfoundland Harbour

23rd November 2013

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Two quick-thinking men on Newfoundland’s northeast coast managed to save a Greenland shark from choking to death on a large piece of moose hide this past weekend.

They just had to help him out, eh.

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Chrysler unveils 1957 Edition of Fiat 500

15th November 2013

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Chrysler Group LLC unveiled another variant of its popular Fiat 500 subcompact Thursday, this one based on the 1957 model of the same name.

Available in three classic colors from the old catalog, the 2014 Fiat 500 1957 Edition features retro wheels and other retro touches such as a white roof and vintage Fiat emblems. Inside, the seats are upholstered with Marrone leather and accented with Avorio highlights.

And here I thought I was the only guy in America who missed the fifties….

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Montana College Student Flunks Math, Sues School

14th November 2013

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Valdez’s disabilities include Asperger’s syndrome, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and dyscalculia, which is a mathematics learning disability, her attorney, Donald Harris, said Tuesday.

“They don’t understand her disability,” Harris said of Rocky Mountain officials. “The stress and anxiety that Hanna feels when she is trying to be successful with math classes affects her other studies, as well.”

Posted in Whose turn is it to be the victim?, You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

ObamaCare Ad: ‘Hope He’s As Easy To Get As Birth Control’

13th November 2013

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A few weeks ago the taxpayer-funded Thanks ObamaCare campaign released the “Brosurance” ads, which featured young men drinking beer, doing keg stands, and asking “Got Insurance?” The same organization has since released new ads, this time aimed at young woman. One features a young woman holding birth control pills while standing next to a young man.

Your tax dollars at work.

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

There Is a Fake English Village in Shanghai and It’s Uncanny

11th November 2013

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The town is only 6 years old, designed to appeal to the Chinese middle class who hanker after a bit of British charm. Unfortunately, most bought their houses as second homes, and the place is a virtual ghost town.

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John Moffitt walks away from NFL, $1 million

7th November 2013

Not from the Onion.

Moffitt majored in sociology at Wisconsin and said his world view was really shaped over the last couple of years when he began studying the writings of the Dalai Lama and Noam Chomsky.

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Undercover Cop Sleeps With Alleged Drug Dealer She Was Targeting, Blows Partners’ Covers

7th November 2013

So to speak.

Several week ago, Jessica Dever-Jakusz resigned her position as a police officer in Tempe, Arizona. A memo from the police chief confirming her resignation led to a public records request, which revealed that Dever-Jakusz had told an alleged drug dealer she was having sex with that she and two other females buying “Molly” (MDMA, mostly, kinda) from him were undercover cops investigating him. Cops found out what happened when the target of the investigation showed up at a police station to tell them.

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‘Bigfoot Hunt’ Ends in Shooting, Arrests

5th November 2013

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An apparent hunt for Bigfoot in the woods of Oklahoma went wrong after a man reportedly heard a “barking noise,” turned around and shot his friend in the back, police say.

‘Here, hold my beer and watch this.’

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Capt. Kirk Takes Command

4th November 2013

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In a truth-is-stranger-than-fiction moment, the Navy has given a man bearing the name of the famed, fictional captain of Star Trek’s USS Enterprise real command of the USS Zumwalt, an advanced, $3 billion dollar, 610-foot destroyer equipped with advanced missiles and stealth technology.

His full name is James A. Kirk, but his nickname is “T,” a reference to Star Trek’s James T. Kirk, the character first played on television and the big screen by William Shatner, said Lt. Cmdr. Chris Servello, a Navy spokesman.

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Liberal Theology Prof Wants You to Know Christianity is Scarier Than Halloween

30th October 2013

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Note that each of these is a distortion of a Protestant distortion of a Roman Catholic distortion of true Christian theology.

To call this person a Professor of Theology is like calling an astrologer an astrophycist.

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More Lies of Obamacare

27th October 2013

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My insurance agent told me a week ago that I will be receiving notice that my insurance policy is not ACA compliant and will be discontinued. He told me my option is to start shopping for an Obamacare (ACA compliant) policy.

The policy is just on me. I am a 61 year old male with no health issues. I asked my agent, “Why is this policy not compliant with the ACA?”

Answer: “Your policy doesn’t include maternity care”.

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The Horror … The Horror….

18th October 2013

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A web-design firm founded by a former member of the 2008 Obama campaign was just a few days ago touting its role in helping to create Healthcare.gov. Now the firm has removed all information regarding its work on the Obamacare exchange website, Buzzfeed reports.

Teal Media’s homepage no longer has a link (visible on a cached version of the page) to a page describing its work on the Obamcare website. That page, which included a link to a June article from The Atlantic quoting an administration official praising the company by name, has also been taken down.

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Abortion Barbie Makes It Official

4th October 2013

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“In Austin today, our current leadership thinks promises are just something you make to the people who write big checks,” she said. “But the promise I’m talking about is bigger than that. It’s the promise of a better tomorrow for everyone. Texans deserves a leader who will protect this promise. Texas deserves a leader who will keep it.”

More abortions will make a better tomorrow for everyone? It certainly won’t make things better for the innocent babies who are murdered — I guess they don’t deserve any kind of tomorrow.

And promises to people who write big checks? The people writing big checks these days (George Soros? John Kerry? Pick a Kennedy, any Kennedy) are writing them to Democrats, if you really take a look around you.

Texas deserves a leader who will let people spend their own money rather than having it confiscated by the government and wasted. But that has never been the Democrat agenda.

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8-Year-Old Points Finger Like Gun, Suspended for ‘Act Of Violence’

4th October 2013

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Eight-year-old Jordan Bennett was suspended from school in Florida after being accused of an “act of violence” for using his finger to make an imaginary gun during a game of cops and robbers.

According to Fox News, administrators at Harmony Community School in Harmony, FL, suspended  Bennett for a day; school district officials said their code of conduct “prohibits students from playing with invisible guns.”

‘You did a bad thing! Your punishment is that you get to go home and read comic books the rest of the day.’ Cool — sign me up.

Send your kid to a government school,
And he will turn out a fool –
That’s the way
Things work today;
Your tax bucks at work and play!

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Abortion Barbie to Run for Governor

28th September 2013

Read it.

She’ll be the comeliest road-kill ever….

Posted in You can't make this stuff up. | 1 Comment »

Apple’s Maps App Directs Alaska Drivers Onto Airport Taxiway

27th September 2013

Read it.

According to the airport’s chief of operations, Melissa Osborn, out-of-town drivers have driven onto airport property twice in the past several weeks, crossing the runway and driving directly to the airport ramp side of the passenger terminal. “These folks drove past several signs. They even drove past a gate. None of that cued them that they did something inappropriate,” she said.

Think of it as evolution in action.

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Powerball Winner ‘Wild’ Willie Wants His Old Life Back

26th September 2013

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What happens when you give money to poor people is that they spend it on stupid shit, which is one reason why they’re poor in the first place.

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