Tech support: It’s an ordeal, but some fool has to call in
7th May 2010
“Please listen closely, as our menu options have changed for no apparent reason. If you are calling because you’re angry about something you read on the Huffington Post, please contact your son or daughter for instructions on not blaming us. For questions about e-mail, including the sloppy letter you sent to an old lover last night at 3 a.m. when you got back from the bar, please hit yourself in the head with a ball-peen hammer, you idiot. For questions about transferring service, press 4. For questions about transferring service to a country with lax banking laws and no extradition treaties, press IRS, and you will be instructed where to go for sentencing. For the problem you really want to solve, stab 8 repeatedly.
“Thank you. Please hold. The average hold time is [new voice; this guy sounded like the fellow who heats up the branding irons in a Spanish Inquisition deposition] TEN MINUTES.”