Question: Would Batman Be Batman Without Bruce Wayne?
26th October 2019
Babylon Bee: Billionaire Bruce Wayne Criticized For Punching Down
Billionaire Bruce Wayne has come under fire for the way he dresses up as a bat and beats up alleged criminals. Many refer to his activity as “punching down” since the people he attacks tend to be citizens in the lower class.
“Bruce Wayne is a white male with billions of dollars,” said Gotham activist Pamela Isley. “He is one of the most privileged people in existence. And who is he attacking? People below the poverty line he says are ‘muggers.’ And he also often punches mentally ill clowns. The sickest thing is that he seems to think we should praise him for this.”
Isley then went on to say that, if anything, Wayne should be the one who is punched for having such an unequal amount of wealth in Gotham and that the only time he ever punched up was the time he fought Superman.
Wayne made one public statement while in the guise of Batman, saying in a gravelly voice, “I don’t need anyone to thank me, but all those who would prey on the good citizens of Gotham should fear me. I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman! And if you pass a wealth tax, I’m moving.”
“Where does he get those wonderful toys?” — Jack Nicholson as The Joker
A very good question. One of the most attractive aspects of Batman is his “wonderful toys”, which he would not have if he weren’t a billionaire In Real Life. Without the Batplane, the Batmobile, the Bat Signal, the Bat Cave, and his Utility Belt, Batman would be rather a pathetic figure — some mentally deranged orphan who sneaks through the shadows in a strange costume (a fact that a number of non-superhero movies, like KickAss, have underscored).
And ponder, if you will, the sort of crimes that Batman fights: Crimes against the person (mugging, assaults, kidnappings) and crimes against property (armed robbery, cracking banks, hijacking trucks, making off with gold from the Fed, hat sort of thing).
And consider what falls off his radar: Drugs? Not so much. Money laundering? Uh, no. Insider trading, ponzi schemes, pump-and-dump? (Hey, we got Wall Street right here!) Sorry. International arms trade? Trade sanctions violations? Antifa thugs beating on harmless protestors? A bit beyond the scope of the old Utility Belt.
Most of us would love to be Batman — but I suspect that we would all settle for being Bruce Wayne. I know I would.
(And don’t get me started on Tony Stark and Iron Man….)