A Tragedy of Manners
12th November 2014
Sarah Hoyt reflects.
I came to understand, particularly through changing cultures, that manners are more than a senseless form. They are things people do to let each other know that they belong – that they are part of the group.
Humans are a social animal. Little meaningless rituals are built in to us, as a way of saying “I belong in the nest, don’t throw me out.” Also, while manners are slightly different in each country (for instance, I think Americans would think I was out of my raving mind if I asked “Do I have permission to enter this room” – except in SFF, where they’d probably stake me through the heart. While Portuguese would find it bizarre for a shop attendant to thank them for buying something.) they are also not entirely meaningless. They are things that get automated, at a trained-in level, so you don’t have to think about it and don’t unwittingly offend someone. I could be dead tired, for instance, or in the hospital, but if someone does some minor favor for me, I’m going to say “Thank you” out of automated reflex. And that thank you lets the other person – no matter how tired or dead on their feet THEY are – know their action was seen and appreciated.
As Heinlein put it, it makes things run smoother. In the same way, I might not be aware of the shopper coming out of the store behind me, both arms loaded with parcels. But I am aware someone is behind me, and at this point it is a reflex to hold the door open so they pass. When I’m the one on the receiving end of this kindness, that manners-reflex is much appreciated.