We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

29th January 2013

Read it.

The picture’s conceit is that Hansel and Gretel, having survived their childhood encounter with the kiddie-baking cottage witch, have grown up to become a semi-sullen Jeremy Renner and foxy Gemma Arterton. They’re now freelance witch-hunters, outfitted in stylish black leathers and armed with formidable steampunk weaponry. (Gretel’s complicated crossbow can fire in two lateral directions at once; Hansel’s huge scattergun could blow a hole in the moon.) For reasons they don’t understand (a key plot point), they’re immune to witchy spells and curses. This makes their job a little easier, and it’s not brain surgery to begin with. “If you’re gonna kill a witch,” Hansel says, “set her ass on fire.”

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