We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Sonic Charmer Endorses Obama

6th November 2012

Read it.

The strengths are obvious and we are happy to report that, after a careful analysis of President Obama’s first 4 years as President-guy, they are every bit as much in play as they ever were:

  1. He’s a black man. His skin is darkly-enough hued that if you saw him, you wouldn’t even be totally sure that he even had one white parent.
  2. This makes you Not Racist™ if you vote for him. Attaining coveted Not Racist™ status is a difficult enough task for struggling middle- and lower-class whites in this society of ours that this benefit cannot be underestimated.
  3. The socialist-realist art posters. They are inspiring because you don’t have to think about them much. CHANGE. HOPE. FORWARD. You don’t even have to read too much stuff on them. I like stuff where you don’t have to read a lot of words or think too hard. Also, only a couple colors. You see that poster and you’re all, ‘Dude, I wish that guy were our President.’ But he is now! Pinch yourself because, not dreaming.
  4. The Youtube video featuring will.i.am where they take Barack Obama saying “Yes we can” and make a awesome rap song out of it. I bet that’s still up on Youtube and it’s just as inspiring as it always was. Because, don’t you want to send the message that Yes we can? What, you’re saying we can’t? Screw you! We TOTALLALLY can! So there.
  5. He made there be a National Health Care Thing. This is an issue that is near and dear to the hearts of, if not all of us, at least a whiny plurality of us. For decades now, many Americans have approached their politics with the single desire of something being done about health care to the exclusion of all other considerations, and (most importantly) that it be some sort of National Thing. Obama is the one who got us there. FINALLY there’s some kind of National Health Care Thing, with whatever details, in place. Our tireless whining about there not being a National Health Care Thingamajig has finally paid off.
  6. Celebrities. Obama knows ‘em. They like him. You like celebrities don’cha? They are the stars and starlets that charm our nation’s soul, entertain our children, and instruct our thoughts. And they, importantly, almost all want the President-guy to be Barack Obama. You wouldn’t want celebrities to get mad at you and move to Canada would you? Then who would dazzle us with their star power, their glamour?

So as you can see, Obama’s resume is impressive indeed. And despite Republican claims that his sheen has faded, the above list of strengths and qualifications – which could just as easily have been written in 2008 – has not faded in the slightest.

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