We have seen the future, and it sucks.

Things I Learn From My Patients

29th July 2009

Read it.

Blogging from the ER. Darwin Awards drop from the very ceiling tiles.

Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you’re on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don’t eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for “Got Coke?”
Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
No matter how tough you are, don’t cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.

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